Inspire Me!
Inspire me.
Tonight.
I need you.
I need you to inspire me.
You are the reason I write.
I post. I blog.
why?
What do I add to the life’s of others in the words I write?
and here is the Big ?
Why does my heart long to write a book?
Would you read it?
What would you want to hear?
My stories of tragedy? Adventure? Reality? Triumph?
These past couple of weeks, I have come to love…I mean LOVE the Hallmark channel! The movies inspire me to believe. To believe in miracles. Love. Mystery. Good endings.
So, what would I write about?? My life has seen some tough times. And that is a light way is saying so. And yet… I have seen such beauty that only those who have seen such pain can see!
I want to share.. Walk with those who have struggled.. And believe in endings that bring hope. Not fairytales or Leprechaun wishes.. But real life moments that scale the mountain tops of ones life. An ordinary life with mysterious strength and sunrise moments.
So, how do I do this? And why should I write? Would you read it?
I know.
i would.
Abandoned.
Abandoned. It happened. Left alone. Child. Fear. I cling to my Teddy.
Abandoned. I am not strong enough. I’m scared. I do not like my weakness. I cling to my boyfriend.
Abandoned. Family happy. Married. Taken care of. Needy. I cling to my husband.
Abandoned. I do not believe I am lovable. I hide. I cling to my career.
Abandoned. I am not strong. I fear my own indiscipline. I cling to my husband’s strength.
Abandoned. I am tired. I am weak. I am lonely. I cling to my little girls.
Abandoned. I don’t know who I am. Confused and distraught. I cling to my warm blankets.
Abandoned. Life is now trauma. Loud. Pain. Crash. No more innocent belief. I cling to fear.
Abandoned. Dark hallways. Silent bedroom. Screams and tears of torment. I cling to the questions.. Why?
Abandoned. No more beauty. Struggles. Hospitals. Dr.s. No answers. I cling to my fantasy of life.
Abandoned. Hope. New life. Nope. Just more false mountain tops. There is no healing. I cling to resignation.
Abandoned. Church no more. Looks. False smiles. Judgment. Outcast. I cling to my self.
Abandoned. Shoes. Fit. Bar. People. Voices. I cling to my brokenness.
Abandoned. New love. Restoration. Butterflies. Hope. I cling to my fantasy.
Abandoned. Self. Wrong. Shop. Spend. Fear. Drunk. I cling to my self hatred.
Abandoned. More tries. More hope. More change. More. I cling to my self help.
Abandoned. Obsessed. Fix. Renew. Don’t let go. Beg. Pain. Loss. I cling to my control.
Abandoned. Me. My thoughts. My perceptions. My life. My self. I cling to someone else.
Abandoned. My future. My dreams. My purpose. I cling to no hope.
Abandoned. My mantra. My life banner. All I know. Where do I cling to now?
Can’t you see I’m in pain? Please tell me what or who to cling to!!
It is The One. God. Someone greater than us. The I AM. The Spirit. Truth. Peace. Hope. Faith. Love.
Awe. I rest. In the unknown. In the present. Confident in my higher power! Perfect.
Date Night. With Me.
It’s Friday night and I have a date. With me.
I’m not happy about it but I force myself to do what is not natural for me. Take care of myself. It’s so much easier worrying and careing for others.
Blame comes easy.
Responsibility light.
Denial strong.
Diversion accomplished.
I haven’t worked out consistently in months! Once in the last 6 days. And that was only a half hour after the week long hiatus before that..after the month long retreat before that! It’s just easier to have a beer and watch a movie. Again and again. My inspiration of blogging, writing, taking photos went by the wayside when I started dating. In fact, I went with it.
I lost me.
I stopped talking nice to me. I kept my nice words for him. My admiration for him. My time for him. My desire for him. My affection for him. My buying for him. My thoughts for him.
And with it ….my blame. my anger. my pointing finger. my fear. And in time. the loss of a relationship. one that had become unhealthy. I had created a vicious cycle. Neglecting the person I am to overly care for one who never expected me to carry his burdens nor his responsibilities in life or even make his choices.
I had taken on a job of “fixing” him so I could run away from “fixing” me or just plain taking care of me.
There are a million psych diagnosis for my plight: codependency. disappointment. Obsession. Hormones. Stress. Denial. scars. Anxiety…whatever!
In my eyes…I’m good at running away, feeding off of others strengths, texting, calling, craving affection and encouragement… All from wells that are not mine to draw upon. In fact, I have my own well.
It just happens to be dry.
anyway…I realize i cannot expect anyone to drink MY water. I must do that myself!
and… There is freedom in RESPOnsiBILiTy.
And so tonight… I took myself to workout. To train my body and build the needed chemicals and muscles. To feel the heat of a hot tub. The freedom To taste the juice of that mozzarella stick, with no guilt, to listen to the sounds of a waterfall. To stop and listen to a friend’s story and enjoy the warmth of friendship. To accept a gift from one who is rich in giving. To accept myself and my need for others. To tell myself.
You is kind.
You is smart.
You is important.
And even more worthy to accept that.
I am loved. in. my. brokenness.
Loved by family. Children. Students. Friends. And even my dogs.
I paused tonight on my date. In the parking lot. I listened to the geese flying over. I watched how they flew together. In formation. Sharing the load in life. The sounds. The warmth of the end of summer.
And I breathed.
I did not fight me.
I accepted me.
as my date night ended…
the thunders broke with showers of rain…
reminding me to drink from my well that is now full tonight.
Daring To Embrace the New “Butterflyesprit”
I am listening.
I can hear the silent wings.
I can feel the warmth.
I can almost touch the beauty.
It’s my butterfly.
Coming home to find my heart’s dream.
He landed right next to me! I was swift. This was my sign.
It was time. Time to write again. To let go of the fear. To accept change.
It’s been a long time since I’ve written on my blog. I’ve been racing thru life. Good times. Challenging times. New times. Confusing times. My life has been a bit unfocused.
A good kind of unfocused. One that I’ve needed.
If you look closely, you can see a deer leaping thru the forest. Pausing, I slow down to share with you.
I sat “up north” in Michigan and waited to hear.
Anything.
Is God out there? What is my purpose? Where is the inspiration? Why can’t I write? Why can’t I express?
These doubts flooded my mind. My heart.
And yet, my camera captured the beauty. I sat and embraced.
Still. Dark. Silence.
I held my camera tight. Snapping at every little flower. Every plant. Waiting. Waiting.
Every candle. Listening. Watching. Waiting.
Life is like that.
We wait. We wait for the beauty to behold again. We wait for the moments to strike us. Inspiration.
Sometimes, it’s quiet for a long time.
Too long.
We become withdrawn.
Sad. Lonely. We stay to ourselves.
We allow the dew of fear to rest upon us until we cannot hope anymore.
And we wait.
Wait for the change to happen.
For the butterfly to find it’s wings.
To fly again.
There is a saying…
“You can suffer the pain of change or suffer remaining the way you are.”
Change can be fearful.
Suffering and chaos can become a way of life. An identity one struggles to shake.
Can we dare to open our hearts to hope? Courage for change?
And we wait.
We wait for the life boat.
It’s there.
Holding out for us.
Trolling. Calling for us to cross over.
It’s hazy. It’s cloudy. But, the boat we can see. Life is bright amongst the grays.
We get in.
Hope. Love. New life.
It showers down upon us.
Filling us with fresh life giving water.
Smoothing our rough edges.
We begin to wonder what hill will we climb now?
Will we have to carry the load? Will we have support? Are we alone?
Or
Are we not alone?
Has change come?
Are there others who have come along to support?
To care for and be cared for. To love and be loved.
And we marvel at new life. Holding on to Hope. Strong in our Faith.
We may not know where the road leads.
We may not see what’s beyond the curve.
But…
We know that we must choose to get in…
if we are going to ride.
Choose to hug the corners in life.
Inspired by Love.
Top 10 Attributes of My Dad!
Today is my Dad’s 80th birthday!! It’s a day to celebrate his life, his legacy, and who he is to me. Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” So today, I reflect upon the life my dad has lived for the past 80 years. I celebrate the Father I have and the Grandfather my children have and I find myself in a good place that I want to share with you.
My dad believes in the saying, “a picture speaks a thousand words.” I agree. I’ve just spent the last six hours going through pictures with him in them. It’s amazing how many memories we share. As I look at them, I can see themes running through them all…threads of values, character, and life. I’ve limited it to 10 since that seems to be the popular number. Enjoy!
1. Love
My dad loves my mom!! I enjoy watching them romance each other. It’s quite interesting. They love to laugh, go places, and just be together. They hold hands and watch the sunset. They eat out together and travel. They have a system that works for them. And my dad is romantic at heart. One would think he’s all tough and that…but, we know better! His FAVORITE movie is The Quiet Man! We have all watched it more than once!
2. Family
Family is everything to my dad. He has taught me that family will always be there if you make it a priority. That’s my family. My brothers have stepped in many times to help me out. My sister is on speed dial. My cousins and I get together around the globe~ Florida, Maryland, Ohio, Arizona, Kansas, New York, Pennsylvania, Georgia…and many more. I love having a big family. I enjoy connecting with my nieces and nephews through facebook. Yes, I’m watching! LOL Our family has enjoyed the craziness of many reunions! It’s never easy getting us all together but, we make it happen. We play games, watch TV, eat and eat, laugh, and cry. My dad makes speeches about love, life, and family. We listen. We learn.
3. Laughter
My dad knows how to LAUGH! He’s crazy sometimes! We love to listen to his stories and laugh. It’s amazing how many stories can come from a history of life. I remember being a little girl at family reunions and funerals. I would be in the other room and I could hear laughter…lots of it. Uncle Jim and Dad would get to telling some childhood stories upstairs in the kitchen. I could feel the love and the security that family brings. I would fall asleep while they laughed into the darkness of night.
4. Vacations
Wow! Now, I know where I get my love for traveling from! I grew up in a family of 7! That’s mom, dad, 3 boys, and 2 girls. We weren’t invited over for dinner too many times! LOL You would think that we couldn’t afford all these extravagant vacations, but they made it happen for us! We took trips all over the U.S. I learned to appreciate history and nature. I came to see my world was bigger than just me, a global perspective.
5. Celebrations
My dad LOVES a good party! Can you imagine how many birthdays we have all celebrated? My math isn’t too good, but rounding up all of our immediate family, I would say he has celebrated over 370 birthdays! We’re getting old! LOL In all seriousness, we have really learned to celebrate life. Birthdays, Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Graduations, Weddings, and the 4th of July…are staples for my dad. These are times to reflect and appreciate Life.
6. Hard Work
My dad is a firm believer of hard work! He worked in Finance, Planned Giving, Church Ministry, Insurance, Painting, and most recently delivering cars! That’s a whole lot of work. I grew up watching a faithful hard working dad go to work everyday. I never heard him complain about it. I think it gave him purpose and energy. He taught me to “work as though God was watching”, that’s a tall order! Every day, even now, he works. He works in the yard, at the house, on his budget and with his calculator. I keep telling him that the computer can do that! But, he refuses and works it better than any bank could.
7. Education
My dad went to college. My mom went to college. We all went to college! My dad believed in education. He still believes in it. The idea of education, I learned from him, is MORE than a degree. It is the desire to learn everyday. To be a life long learner is what we call it in education. My dad still wakes up at the crack of dawn everyday just to read and to learn more. Sometimes, I go down to the basement and find a new interesting book to read. and I steal it! Well, I borrow it. Recently, I was reading “Thinking for a Change”, by John Maxwell. I came across some passages underlined. I thought, I can’t remember reading this. Then, I saw my Dad’s notes along the side and I welled up with tears. The same wisdom that inspired him was now inspiring me. You can’t top that. Well, maybe I can.
The day I got my Master’s Degree! My dad was there! He was there with roses and hugs. And he knew my heart. He knew how it broke with the pain of lost dreams. He knew how it felt to finish a long path of hard work. And the comfort and pride he brought by being there for me, can never be surpassed.
8. Sacrifice
My dad has sacrificed for our family. He and my mom could be out traveling the world! But, they invested in a home where their grandchildren could come and enjoy safe fun. The golf cart, the snack bar, the lake, the sunset rides, the barbecues, the reunions, the seasons, the camp, the church, the swing, and the life all happens here! I believe Dad has been able to prolong his positive influence with his grandchildren because of this central place where we could all gather. My son spent a month there this summer. Now, it is his turn to give back. He enjoys cutting the lawn, fixing things, and sweeping off the roof for them. I love watching him embrace the values my dad has shared with him.
9. Loyalty
My dad is loyal. He is loyal to me. He walked me down the aisle and he walked with me through the divorce. He shared my pain and he didn’t run. He stepped in to be there. After the separation, my dad took us all to Maryland. I’m so thankful for family! Uncle Joe and Aunt Marj took us on a boat ride. They always have this open door. I love their place! I love them! As I tried to forget my pain, my dad held Josh and loved him like only a grandfather could. He teased my girls and gave them hugs. He brought strength to us all. Loyalty doesn’t run. It doesn’t betray. It doesn’t waiver. No matter whether my dad agreed or disagreed about my petty choices over the years, he has always remained loyal.
10. Faith
Faith. This is a picture of a butterfly I found in the parking lot of Subway. I saw it laying there and brought it home to try and rescue it. Faith has always been strong for my dad. He is a believer in God. He is a believer in hope. He is a believer in life. He would seem to know just the right verse from the bible to quote to me. His bible is highlighted everywhere. One of my favorite is the one he shared with me the night I slept alone for the first time with 3 kids. I was scared. He was hours away. So, I grabbed my bible and looked it up. It was Isaiah 41:13, “For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” I fell asleep with my bible and a peace that God was there. That was one of those times I hold onto now when my faith falters. The butterfly comes and goes out of my life helping me to remember the seasons of faith. There are times when it is strong and then times when it is weak. And there are times when a new faith is needed. Faith to me now comes in an “out of the box” way. I see God everywhere. In sunrises, sunsets, butterflies, trees, birds, children, laughter, new love, books, memories, and I see him in my dad.
Happy Birthday to Dad! 80 years of a wonderful life….and many more to come!
I Mourn With Sandy Hook Elementary
The tragedy at Sandy Hook has struck home for me today. For I am a teacher too. One who daily has the privilege to mentor and teach young lives. One who watches the butterfly emerge. One who practices “Code Red” drills in order to protect precious life. One who cannot even fathom what my fellow teachers, families, and community in Connecticut are facing. I mourn with you today.
I mourn today.
I mourn for the loss of innocence.
I mourn for the tragedy so unspeakable.
Inflicted on the most vulnerable in our world.
Those who hold hope in their smiles.
Life in their laughter.
Those who so quickly forgive and forget.
Those who dream dreams so easily.
Those who hear the bell.
And anxiously believe in all things possible.
Listen.
Hear their voices.
Hold onto the strength and life in them.
I mourn today.
Tough Relationship Decisions
I want to write today to all the readers who have written to me in response to my blog. Those who relate to the struggles of loss, tragedy, brain injury, and divorce. My heart is torn for you. For me. For the challenges that come with life. For the confusion and disappointment.
I can hear the struggle.
I can sense the ambiguity in decisions that will affect you, your children, your relationships.
And I wait to write. I waited for over six months to respond.
Waiting for an answer. What do I say? How do I respond? Am I encouraging divorce? I can hear the critics now. Slamming me for such a “hypocritical” statement.
Love? Divorce? Vows?
Or.
Am I a realist with idealism? Am I Human? What can I see in reflections? Beyond the unexplainable.
Am I giving those who are facing tremendous guilt, relief? Acceptance? Unconditional love? And so tonight, I write. My thoughts and my wishes for you and for me and for the critic in me.
Yes, divorce was the answer for myself and my family. Looking back, I now believe it was a healthy choice. A loving choice. I did not run away from responsibility, I ran to it. I created the boundaries that provided space.
Space for healing.
A chance to invest emotionally into my children. A safe home for us. Time to keep myself physically fit in order to meet the demands as the leader of my home. Energy to keep the passion for my career and the much needed pay check.
Stability and sunsets.
I made a choice to stop trying to control Traumatic Brain Injury and my marriage. I have learned that I am responsible for me. I am responsible for those who are in my care, my children. That others, adults, have a right to themselves, their rehabilitation, and their life. My action was one of love.
One must see past the “black and white” answers in order to understand. The light breaking in.
Love CAN come in different shapes. Different spaces. And in time. Even after divorce.
We have been able to rebuild what that looks like. Our family continues to support their dad. To love him with attention, phone calls, new haircuts, clothes, and football games.
I continue to advocate for him. He has his own guardian with the state. He is in a home that provides food, shelter, medication, and safety. I know it isn’t what we ideally wanted for him. Life in it’s wholeness. Health. Fullness. But, we accept that.
Love looks different. It’s a shade of gray. Can you see it? Can you find it?
I love the saying, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.” That was my hope and still is. It is my hope for you.
To find hope in the midst of tough questions and challenges. To see growth happen before your very eyes.
And to hold on to the belief that… beyond these stone cold stairs we climb… lies the healing and love we so long for.
I apologize for not writing sooner. I will make it my goal to write at least every week.
And.
I can’t wait to share my stories from my summer.
One word. Renewal.
Spring Forward!
I awoke this morning to the sounds of cooing doves.
It’s “Spring Forward” today!
And I wonder. Am I ready for spring? Really?
Living in Michigan, the season of winter is usually a long one.
Long enough to bunker down, hide out in your cave, and watch movies by the fireplace.
It’s a season of contrasts.
Of frozen cheeks.
And toasty toes.
Falling snowflakes and hot steam baths.
Breathing crisp air and sipping hot chocolate.
Bundled up in feather down coats and flannel sweats.
Snowstorms, blizzards, and a teacher’s favorite. Snow days!
Last year was a great winter. Long, snowy, and plenty of sleep. I was ready for spring.
Ready to see new life appear. Yearning for signs of newness.
But, this year. I’m not sure I’m ready to get up.
Stay in my cozy warm bed with a dozen books by my head. Safe and alone in my status quo.
Yet, I find my eyes open and looking to the window. Listening to the sounds of cooing.
Seasons and cycles of life, know their own pace.
While I try to dictate or control when they will begin or end, I am left with disillusionment.
For I cannot control the ocean tides.
The sunset.
Or the sunrise.
or even find the reasons why.
But, I do know how to live life. To embrace it within the season.
To ride the wave all the way to the shore. To find peace through acceptance.
Why would I think I could snap my fingers, turn the lights on or off, as to when that change should appear?
I guess it’s my humanness. Knocking my head against the wall until I realize the wall is not moving.
Yet, the birds are singing.
Calling my name.
It’s time. Wake up. It’s time for change.
Time for newness. Time for beauty. Time for life to bloom again.
Am I ready for SPRING?
Or is
SPRING ready for me?
Winter Walk With My Camera
It never ceases to amaze me.
What I will find.
When I strap my camera on.
And walk about.
No need to travel far.
No need to gather, strive, or fret.
Just a simple lens.
And a hope.
To capture life.
Among this mess.
Sometimes I cannot see.
What is there.
Until.
I look again upon the screen.
And amazed I am again.
Of what I failed to see.
Hidden.
But, was there.
Waiting.
To.
Inspire me.
Letting Go of my Baby Butterfly Bride
I don’t think anything prepares you to see your daughter get married…the beauty and bitter-sweetness wrapped into one bundle.
a remembering when.
A letting go.
a state of reflection..
Did I do a good job as a mother?
In midst of all the intense tearful and stressful days, of the mother of the bride pre-wedding jitters, I wrote a letter to my kids.
Things I was feeling and fearing…
Our family is changing. Rachael is leaving to build her own in a few weeks. Christi is beginning the parenting stage of life with her own daughter. I’m experiencing feelings of loss. I can feel the loss of those first school days with you, Santa cookies by the fireplace, bedtime stories, and Upward football games. Those days are etched in my memory. Those good days. And I regret. I regret that I wasn’t a good enough mom. Holidays always spark the reminder that I’m alone. And the guilt that comes with it. That something is wrong with me because I’m still single. Yuck. If I could go into myself and cry for days, I would. But, I can’t. I must pull myself together and go to work tomorrow. But before I go to bed, I want to write to you and share my heart. Because living with me lately, well, I’m guessing, it’s been difficult for you since it’s been difficult for me to live with me….
Growing up in a one parent home, I’m sure, has been difficult for you. I am a mom who has struggled to do the job of raising kids AND on my own. Some needs you have had, I have met. Some, I have not…
… I’ve held you when you were heart broken and felt the tears drop down on me, I’ve nursed you when you were sick, prayed for your protection, encouraged you with your dreams, supported you in your relationships, listened to your stories, and shared your growing years. I have modeled and taught it.
And I began to list all the things I had done…
It was never my dream to be single. It was never my dream to be a single mom. I never set out to see if I could handle raising 3 kids. No, I wanted you to know the fullness of love that only 2 parents can bring together. As they work together. As they meet each other’s needs and experience the strength of a team. Not looking to you to meet their needs, instead, having a full tank of love to give. That really was my dream. It’s no one’s fault. The accident. The divorce. My broken dream. Your broken home.
So, when I joke about not being able to bake cookies for you…homemade that is, I really do feel gut wrenching pain. I feel an arrow that I wasn’t good enough. But, I laugh it off. I have to. To survive. When I see moms who know each other because of PTA and football games, I just smile and go my way. I know I don’t have the time. Keeping us out of crisis was my priority. Sometimes, I say stupid things. I’m sorry I embarrass you.
I say all these things to you tonight…because I want you to look at the whole picture and not just the parts. You see, I am more than my parts. My parts may be broken at times. But, if you step back and see who I really am, you can respect me. I can respect me.
It’s ok to hurt. It’s ok for you to know what you didn’t like so you can build dreams of what you want!! I want that for you. But, please. Please do not take away that which I have taught you. Please freeze that good picture of me in your mind. Look at the whole. And accept the parts. And use what you can to create a better future.
–Love Mom
When my kids got the letter via email, they were taken back. “Of course,” they reassured me, “you are a great mom, and we always knew that! “
I guess I needed to write it for me.
To reflect on my decisions. To make sense of what doesn’t make sense. The one thing that I see through the cloudy scrambled past is the love my girls embrace for their dad. Can I take credit for that? Does that make my life meaningful?
Just ten short months ago, they took the trip to Nashville, TN to find their father who had been walking about the country, living in the streets, under the bridges, in the desserts, and on park benches. Homeless, one would say. But, more than that, he was struggling in silence with the effects of a brain injury distorting reality.
They kept the faith, faith that accepted their questions and painful memories. Just three years earlier, they had cleaned out his apartment that spoke of his challenges. Clutter, trash, unopened mail, and new clothes abandoned. Gifts they had bought him, unopened. Their pictures still hanging on his walls. Gone. He was gone. Again.
How do kids carry this type of burden?
We talked about who would walk Rachael down the aisle. Could it be Pappy, Uncle Kenny, Uncle Jim, Uncle Bill, or brother, Josh? We had gone over the scenario. What if. The men in our family had stepped in and carried the torch of a father.
But, the girls never let go of hope.
Hope that tomorrow would bring butterflies. Christi painted and painted. For me. For her.
They convinced their dad to come home. Through some painful events, help and support came. Opening their heart to forgiveness and acceptance for life as it is. They took turns picking him up from adult foster care home and taking him to the movies, dinner, or football games. For me, I’m still processing. But, I know for sure. My kids love their dad. My kids need their dad.
Wedding day came and tears with it.
And my daughter embraced her dream.
A bride.
Walked down the aisle by her very own daddy.
For a moment in time, healing came.
A reunion that sparked the embers of hope.
Setting them ablaze.
Taking her father’s hand. Putting his fears aside and…
Dancing that father daughter dance.
It was a moment when both dreams and memories intersect.
I stood and swallowed the lump in my throat as tears rose up in me.
So happy for my little girl.
My little butterfly.
I was proud of her.
For watching her walk down the aisle of butterfly kisses.
Escorting her into a new dream of love…
And more
Butterfly kisses.
A new butterfly for me too. My cousin said, “You are gaining a son. Not loosing a daughter.”
And I am a peace. And grateful.
for wings.
for broken wings that fly.
Mountains Climbed
I climbed a mountain last summer, in Alaska. It was a small one. Nothing to really brag about to “real climbers”. But for me, it was still a mountain. It all began when I was sipping coffee at Spenard Hostel. Guests sitting around talking about their latest excursions, home countries, families, and what to do tomorrow? I was asked if I wanted to go climb a mountain. I was excited to embrace this adventure. I was brave. I had flown here by myself. I was athletic. I had tennis shoes. A raincoat. Water. Backpack. Camera. Check. I was ready to go.
Halfway up the mountain, I looked down. It was a bit intimidating! I watched people turn around. But that did not discourage me. I was going to make it to the top. After hours of walking, I realized my backpack was quite heavy. My friend offered to carry it for me. Once again, I was ready to climb. Until, I had to manoeuvre the rocks and crevices. My shoes could not withstand the rocks. They weren’t made for climbing. I would slip and catch myself with my bare hands. I had not packed gloves. I began to fear. I feared a fall. I feared the struggle. I feared failure. I feared the unknown.
But, I didn’t turn around. I finished the climb. I made it to the top. And I celebrated.
That night, we gathered around the table at the hostel. We talked with others who had just returned from a leadership training in the mountains. I shared about my fear. Why was I so afraid? Where did the fear come from? As we began to peel the onion, I realized that I was not prepared for the climb. I had no respect for the power of the mountain. I did not have the right climbing shoes, tools, and backpack. I never knew that a backpack could fit the curve of your back to ensure lightness and balance of weight. I was not prepared mentally. I was ignorant on many levels. I learned a lesson that day.
Respect the mountain and be prepared for the climb.
Life is full of mountains.
Real ones that come in many forms. Landforms. Life. Death. Divorce. Disability. Change. Career challenges. Relationships. Age.
I am learning to respect the mountains and be prepared for the climb.
This poem I wrote reflects my lesson in the climb.
Mountains Climbed
Mountains stand in the distance, strong, powerful, and unmoving.
They beckon respect from all those who inhabit and look upon.
Pure humility is found when facing the great unknown
Well aware of one’s limited resources.
There is no competition.
It isn’t to be conquered or changed.
It is to be respected, understood.
A healthy fear is foundational.
The vast consequences of choices made
Ignorance will only hold you down.
Life and death can happen upon this mountain.
Death to one who bows to fear and runs to valleys down below.
Death to one who tries to overcome with blissful hope.
Death to one who fights destiny in sight.
Senses dull. No song. No story. No dance.
Flip the coin.
And.
Life is found amongst the peaks.
Life. Breathing. The kind you inhale and exhale.
The breath that speaks” I was made to climb”.
Discovering courage. Character deep within.
Eyes open.
Heart Exposed.
Tools packed and ready to use.
Climb.
Sometimes, Our Goals Find Us!
I took out my Butterflyesprit coffee cup this morning. It’s time to write. I’ve been avoiding the one thing that I love. Why? Something just stops me.
Frozen.
Jolted.
Processing.
Why do I avoid coming into the place of serenity and peace? Where I can write my true feelings and voice my thoughts with a pen?
A struggle with what “ought to be” and what “is”.
accusing myself. no. no more sad writings. be positive. share what is beautiful. your life is exciting, adventurous, and fun. share a proud status.
But, the conflict is too strong. I walk away from my safe place of writing, denying that which is really happening.
And once again, courage finds me.
Or I find the courage in me.
To face the season I’m in. to write about it. to not be afraid of what is happening in and around me.
One thing I know. After I write. A butterfly emerges…always.
Something beautiful happens in my heart. Maybe, it’s God. Maybe, it’s me accepting me. Gently and softly saying…
“There is a rainbow behind that storm. Just find the courage to face it.”
“You is smart. You is strong. You is important.” – The Help.
And so I’ll write. And if you are reading, this is a judgment free zone, for you and for me.
I’m embarrassed. I confess. I’m a goal oriented person. I love to make goals and reach them. And then proclaim them to everyone, especially, on a facebook status! And I know you’re smiling because you do too. We all do. We all want to share our mountain tops with our friends. Just got back from a great vacation… In the Caribbean… skydiving… Kayaking in Australia… up north. Can you tell I like to travel and that I love living vicariously through others? Smile.
But, what do we do when we are in the valley, those difficult and mundane times?
Perhaps, we don’t want to share them…Perhaps, we just don’t want them.
And I know everyone has them. We try to find distraction in focusing on our “blessings” and being positive? Choosing to be thankful for insurance, a job, or at least I have my health.
But, maybe…just maybe…
there is something pure and lovely in the valley…a mountain top in the making!
A place that can only be realized by calling it like it is and climbing it.
So, back to why I’m embarrassed. This summer, I made a goal to get on a plane and fly somewhere and vacation, an adventure on my own. That didn’t happen. I planned to drive to the ocean with the family, distraction. So, I revised the goal. I would go somewhere in Michigan and write. All plans fell through. Revised again, I would go sailing on the lake. Didn’t happen. I’d try something new. Not. By the end of the summer, I just gave up…thankful for the school year to start so I could get back to teaching, a goal I could accomplish.
Instead of feeling pride about my summer, I felt guilty. I didn’t want to share it with anyone. It had been filled with unmet goals and challenges. No fireworks, no romance, flooded basement, insurance claims, plumbing problems, weeds, mosquitoes, even my 1st dance performance at the jazz fest was rained out!
The more difficult challenges involved walking through the valley with my family, things that touch the deepest part of my soul. Accepting the regression of a brain injury, becoming familiar with AFC; adult foster care, trying to be encouraging while still wondering if independence will ever happen, was my sail in unchartered waters.
Walking through the sting of a broken engagement of my daughter who is expecting and at the same time celebrating the ongoing wedding plans of my oldest was like riding the seesaw at my favorite breakfast diner.
Seeing the tears and knowing the loss of dreams and creation of new ones… all along catapulting me back to the memories of my own broken dreams to let them go again and embrace the tale of time… GeeGee, which is short for Glam Grandma!
I was encountering feelings of loss and yet hopeful ones for tomorrow.
Can the two co-exist?
Amazingly… we do adapt…eventually.
It wasn’t what I had planned for…for my long awaited teacher summer vacation.
But, I would not have chosen to be ANYWHEREELSE.
I had found a mountain top I had never imagined!
In the midst of the daily challenges, I embraced the daily talks of life, love, yoga, spirituality, friendship, therapy, family loyalty, and the meaning in life. I discovered that being a mother is both beautiful and painful…to walk beside and not judge, to stay up late talking about life, and how to meet the tides that roll into our life. 
My friend said it best when she wrote about empowering her daughter to face the injustices of society. She called it right when she said, “Always, Respect the Wave! Don’t turn your back.” Thank you Beth and Andrea!
I watched my children embrace their father, not with pity, but with the respectful love a father deserves.
I watched courage in action as my daughter enveloped her little one inside her while capping off her associates degree with a 4 point in her class. The love for a child, it is beyond words. It spurs us to peaks we’ve never imagined.
To see the maturity and wisdom taking place in my both my girls was the highlight for me. To feel pride for my college grad, who has such great work ethics, to work what she can in a downward economy while planning a beautiful winter wedding. To watch my son reconnect with his dad…just sitting side by side to watch football games on TV for 5 straight hours.
I had faced the fear, the adjustments, the challenges, and I didn’t run! I didn’t try to escape or avoid.
And I felt an accomplishment that we are who we are.
It isn’t the picket fence, strategically planned, sequential order of events, family here. We are a home filled with the foundation of any strong family…single parent or two parent…
Unconditional love, the acceptance of all feelings be it fear, anger, or sadness, and a secure home that fosters the development of all character traits especially COURAGE!
You see, just NOW, I realized that I had climbed a mountain this summer with my kids and with the help of family and friends.
Sometimes, our goals find us.
That’s really what happened this summer.
And as I’m writing, I’m listening to my adult daughters laughing in the other room! One is getting ready for a baby shower and the other is getting ready for the local bridal expo…as I move on with my day.
The rainbow I’m beginning to see now… after the storm.
U2! My 1st Rock Concert!!
It started with a phone call last week. My friend offered me a ticket to the U2 concert. Knowing that I loved their music, I said an enthusiastic “YES”! It would be my first rock concert EVER. Growing up conservative where “rock” music was forbidden, I never had the chance to go a concert. Then, facing an adult life filled with tragedy and crisis after crisis, well, let’s just say, I was ready for some music! Little did I know what I was about to experience?
We parked WAY out and took a shuttle bus to the stadium. As soon as we stepped off, we could feel the energy coming from the people arriving. It was different than the football games I’d attended there before. It was less about competition and more about camaraderie. I felt surrounded by a variety of people with a common theme. I could sense an artistic people who value the expression of the soul through the arts. Then again, maybe, it was the fact I saw MANY people my age~!
Passing through security was a breeze, since I came as one package. I couldn’t bring my purse or state of the art camera or water. Although, I managed to pack my lip gloss and money in my pocket and cell phone on my belt! That was actually a fun challenge. I was proud to have passed through with no problems.
Finding our seats was a work out. We knew we were going to have great seats, we just didn’t know they were going to be so high! Yes, we climbed and climbed until we were about 10 rows from the top, and I mean TOP of the stadium. I could see all of Michigan. I got my exercise throughout the next hour before the show, buying a hat, signing up for ONE, getting popcorn and pop, and more pop after spilling mine. Yet, I knew this was going to be the best spot in the house. I was there with great friends and I was there to take it all in!
Florence and The Machine opened up the concert with a sound I had never heard before. It seemed to beckon us into a realm of another world, one where we could watch the past fade away and live in the moment. Her bright fuchsia scarf and dress waving in the wind enticed us to feel the breeze, the sounds all around. She danced in circles spinning like a child at play, free just to be. Catapulted back into the dance studio where I secretly dance made me wonder, what freedom and confidence she must enjoy. And I joined with her in a spirit of letting go and swaying to the beat.
It wasn’t long till the sun began to set and the crowd grew anxious to see the world class stars in our own home town. The concert was sparked with the electricity of people screaming and clapping as U2 took the stage. Bass beating throughout the stadium, lights glimmering, music playing, and my heart thumping, it was LIFT OFF time! I stood cheering as U2 greeted the crowd. I was ready with eyes wide open.
U2 took us on a journey the next two hours that kept us blasting to greater heights. From the spectacular visuals to the stunning sounds, I felt like I was climbing the Alaskan mountains again awaiting the next amazing experience. The claw, with its color changing to song themes and 360 degree capabilities, gave us the hope that dreams and reality can intersect. Listening to the lyrics, the deep underlying meanings, stirred me into a place of reflection…mysterious and beautiful.
Someone said that U2 is about pondering the deep questions without offering cheap answers. And for me and many others who have known the dark hues of life understand that black and white boxes ARE cheap. Taking the journey this night with a band who “got me” and with fellow human beings, I embraced inclusion and accepted the message of hope in a crazy world.
Comfy seats weren’t needed. I stood throughout the whole night, or should I say danced the entire night, right there on the high silver bench seats! My eyes never left the stage except to look at my friend standing next to me. She’s the kind of friend who doesn’t judge and is a rock for me. And for the first time, I realized we shared a kindred spirit of deeper proportions. We both LOVED this music and were not afraid to DANCE! And we did… no reservations…with peace and love and love and peace.
The next day, I told my son that I went to my first rock concert! He said, “A mom… at a rock concert? Weird!”
I laughed and thought.
No.
Music knows no age.
It’s universal and personal.
It’s reflective and expressive.
It’s active and passive.
And if it’s U2…it’s ELECTRICAL!
Thanks Matt & Lelah!! I love you all!!
afc
i was out on a walk tonight. with my best friend. we love to exercise in our quaint town. walking past well manicured lawns. waving at cars driving by. you know…just the small town kind of wave where you know you are welcome. dodging the trees branches. smelling the fresh air. exhaling with a sigh of relief of another year of teaching. done.
walking faster just to get to the hidden trail. by a creek lined with wild flowers. and talking.
we came to a house with a sign. AFC openings. we stopped. thought for a moment. is that a dog kennel. who would have a kennel in town. no.
no. it stands for adult foster care.
my heart stopped.
yes. this is the word the caseworker used with me.
choices for after a hospitalization. when it becomes too costly for a hospital to care for someone and too much responsibility for one to live on their own.
an option.
we knocked on the door. invited in and looked around. quiet. clean. ranch style. simple. kitchen. organized. white. in the neighborhood we used to live in.
i never knew.
what do they do i asked. eat. watch tv. take their meds. go to the center for excursions twice a week. where are they now. asleep.
do they work. they can’t. do they clean. they don’t need to.
how much. $1500. a month.
gulp.
and the flood waters of anger and pain began to rise in me.
questions.
quality of life.
reasons. purpose. meaning.
hidden. forgotten. dismissed.
and i wonder.
how can life survive behind. in. and around. the bars of suffering.
I’ve Gone Into Hiding.
I’ve gone into hiding…I do it well!
I hide behind the pain, the tears, and the fear.
Not another mountain to climb…not reality setting in…not another disappointment!
I do what I do best. I compensate.
and… I’m learning…
hiding does not work. deflecting only delays. acting out only embarrasses. drinking only dulls.
anger only hurts. eating only bloats. complaining only magnifies. and the victim mentality only recycles!
So, I decided to…get tough!
With one eye closed…!
This spring has been a whirlwind of new challenges and moments of victory, who even says that word anymore?
A daughter graduated from college and engaged to be married this year…
Finding Dan, my children’s father who was homeless for over two years, we were able to get him care. He has been in the hospital for over a month now and will continue to be there for another few. It was not easy to get him there.
I won’t even go into that moment. It was just too hard. Signing a document, watching his confusion, visiting the ugly cold bolted hospital, going to court, testifying…hands shaking. Remembering all the difficult years, my loss, my kid’s loss, the stress on all of us, the loneliness…and BAM! Pain again. I guess just knowing that the difficult decisions could eventually produce positive results… gave me strength.
We were able to visit him for his birthday! (Dan gave me permission to write about him and share a bit.) I was so proud of my kids…including Caleb who is soon to join the family. They brought gifts that he would enjoy in the hospital. Books, radio with headphones, food, food, and more food! All of course, vegetarian. Christi made a cake. We ate it! And Dan took it back for others on his floor to share.
The kids were so happy to see their dad. He came with a sense of humor that has always made them laugh! Saying that he was coming to visit us with his “body guard”!
And then the questions come.
And I want to run. I went to Chicago. I skipped Easter. And I allowed myself time to process.
People ask, how are you? How can you write about someone you were married to? They wonder if we still love each other or will have a future together…
hoping for: A miracle. A rebirth. A reunion. A happy ending.
Once again wanting the neat and tidy black and white boxes.
Let’s package it up and call it good.
But, that’s not real life.
There’s still loss. A brain injury. A future of more challenges.
No, you must search for the
LIFE in REALITY!
Knowing that there is peace in forgiveness.
Accepting the love of a friend who has known loss and understands with her heart.
Watching the tulips blossom again.
Eating Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream for BREAKFAST!
Understanding that love can continue in a new and different way.
And taking the time to walk and be silent.
So, I guess that this spring has helped me come out of hiding.
Knowing that the seasons come and go and come again.
Mom…The Inspiration For My Butterfly Wings!
Mother…Mom…Mommy…MaMa…Goddess Divine…Queen of the Castle!!
The word sparks a thousand thoughts, reflections, and memories!
Today, Mother’s Day, is about celebrating “mom”…
and so, I set out this morning to write about my mom and how she has inspired me to be the Mom I strive to be… and I am humbled. I don’t think I could ever be as gentle and kind like her, for I can be feisty! I know I’m not selfless like her because I just yelled at my son for eating all the cinnamon rolls! And I know that I could never compete with her ability to cook and serve 3 meals a day. I’m lucky to bring home take out and eat a family dinner at 9p.m.! Sometimes, I feel such guilt for not being as wonderful as her!
But, there are key character qualities that have been woven throughout my life because of her. That’s what inspires me!
A legacy of LOVE…
…my mom has shown me what LOVE looks like! She is loyal and kind and giving, in a wonderful relationship with my dad for over 50 years! I mean to be the beautiful girl she was back then with him and today with him on a motorcycle?! She still has the excitement and butterfly feelings of love. I can see it in her eyes!
And I can celebrate that with her!
A FUN and FEARLESS mom…
well, I guess I do take after her in this arena!! Mom loves to have fun! I can remember her swimming with us at Uncle Mel’s pool, in her sexy swimming cap, and when she took us all on the Mackinac Ferry to watch the sunset and listen to gospel music! She can also break those golf cart driving rules at times!!
An ADVENTUROUS and SACRIFICIAL mom…
don’t we look like we are learning how to pan handle?! We rode in this car all the way to Arizona from Kansas and without carseats! What an adventure we had, 5 kids with their Mom and Dad! Family vacations were always a priority, no matter what the sacrifice.
We may not have had a lot of money, nor the best clothes. BUT, we had the BEST moments! Traveling to Maryland, New York, Ocean City, Mexico, and funerals! Mom was creative at keeping the costs down, packing sandwiches and drinks, driving all night, and stopping at rest stops. Even at funerals, we sang! We didn’t need a cruise to have fun. Just family, food, some rook cards, coke-a-cola, and laughter!
Of all the qualities I see in my mom…grace, love, loyalty, sacrifice, kindness, gentleness, generosity, joy…on and on…
I have to highlight her love….of FAMILY!
Opening up her home to all of us! Yep, we know how to have fun at Indian Lake! I can’t begin to tell you how many people ask, how do you all fit in Grandma’s house? It’s amazing how we can do this and invite all the teenager friends to join! My mom wrote in the pavement, when she added onto the house: for my grandkids!
And she was right…this home was and is a place to pass on her motherhood to us!
She has an open heart…home…and bonfires!
She instilled in us the ability to care for each other, love each other, and forgive each other! Even with the fighting, which all siblings do (in laws too), we always knew we would be loyal to each other! The bond of our family will not be broken! And each morning brings a new start! She taught me that.
My brothers…like mom…have been generous in their love and protection for me!
Can’t you see it as they love to tease me?! Watching our kids play ball, helping me move, cleaning out my garage, mentoring Josh, taking Josh hunting, really…even in our differences…we learned to love! And my sister…who can take a little bit of glory, she is more like mom than me! Those qualities I wish came naturally to me…well, let’s just say my girls didn’t know what to do when she baked cookies with them at her house!
So…enough for now…
how do I end this tribute to you mom? You see, I know I don’t say it often…it’s one of those squishy things for me…
but, today I want you to know…
that I do love, respect, and honor you!
Thanks for defining the word, MOM, for me!!
Silence is only for a Season
I’m so thankful for family and friends who have supported our family with prayers and thoughts during the past couple of weeks. It has been a bitter sweet reunion. One that has involved tough love and a lot of pain. Sometimes, just too hard to write about. Obviously, brain injury and mental illness or for that matter ANY illness is difficult to talk about… let alone face. Yet, we want you to know that Dan is o.k. and in the hospital getting the treatment he needs.
I took these shots when I went for a walk on my brother’s land…after a very difficult evening…
Silence is only for a Season
After the pain of reality again, I took a walk…a walk to see
if I could find some signs…
of hope divine.
Black and white is all I saw…no bright pinks or purples or blues.
Just dull and drab and distant hues.
Silence is what I heard…no birds, no chirps, no leaves rustling in the wind.
Just stillness.
No life… No laughter.
No daisies poking through the grass.
I looked to see if I could find some signs of life…
and spring to come.
But, only frozen could I see.
And I sat and listened…waiting…
no tears, no smiles, only numbness.
And then…
The woods seemed to speak to me…
Silence is only for a season.
It’s quiet…my heart beating…breathing…life…
will go on.
And Peace…the simple feeling…
that it’s o.k. to not feel happy feelings today…
flowed to me.
A Peace that I know…
only comes from letting go…trusting…and believing..
…in a greater vision that can only…
begin and end…
with God.
Half Full and Half Empty
The past couple of days have been filled with emotion…tears…hope…and then reality. The glass we see…the half full part…is always there! One can see the beauty in the reunion of loved ones, the grace, the realized hope, the peace and comfort knowing that after living on the streets for two years, Dan is alive and safe! Simple life moments that we take for granted, we embraced. We took time to listen to the stories, watch movies, look at pictures, and just be. To see life through the eyes of one who has gone without…wow…a grateful heart to just be out of the rain, a warm bed, clean clothes, putting the knife away, trust, smiles, laughter…and food!
Food seems…no…it IS… a healing source!
I can’t even imagine what it would be like to walk around wondering where I would find my next meal. I’ve watched Dan devour everything that is put in front of him. Of course, he is a vegetarian now, which makes it a bit difficult to satisfy that appetite. My eyes were opened to his state of mind when we stopped at the store for food. I watched as he grabbed bag after bag, doubles of boxes, fruits of all kinds, while I tried to get him to move down the aisle. It was like watching a kid in a candy store. And my heart broke. I wanted to snap him back into reality where abundance is here and it’s not going away…
And yet, the reality of the empty part of the glass cannot be denied. We are challenging ourselves to come to grips with the seriousness of Dan’s situation…I can’t go into everything…but he continues to suffer from the brain injury. It’s weird how he looks great, is somewhat healthy, articulate, and yet his psychosis is worse and is in need of medical help. We want to help him…but we are running into obstacles…once again the system, lack of finances, privacy laws, and the fact that he will not share what’s going on in his mind with the doctors.
I’m so thankful for my friend who works with the homeless population in California. I immediately emailed him asking what to do…what’s happening…and I just poured out my heart to him. Dan has told us that he “isn’t staying for long” which made me anxious to step in and control the situation! But, the reality hit hard when he said…these things…
1) Hope for the best, expect the worst: Try and not get your hopes up too much, and your expectations too high. Every step forward is a great step. Enjoy it to the fullest that you have any minutes or days with Dan. This is not meant to discourage you, but rather to realistically affirm every possible good news. Someone who has mental illness and has experienced the freedom of homelessness can find it difficult to “settle down” and are not able to in their condition in many situations.
2) Set good boundaries: Though you deeply desire for connection, attempt to agree, with your families, on some key boundaries of what you can’t tolerate in your home. (drugs, physical abuse, etc…). Give yourself permission to say NO, when needed. You can’t be ruled by guilt or fear to try and play “savior”.
3) Try and get “buy in”: Success will only happen if Dan agrees to the “treatment” and plan. Let him set his goals and plan, but feel free to urge him with your boundaries
Feel free to look at the National Alliance to end Homelessness that may be of help to locate some resources. http://www.endhomelessness.org/. Another group is called NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)(http://www.nami.org/ ) that has been very helpful for us in LA.
Well…after a couple of days, at the hospital, visiting health centers, on the phones with doctors, lawyers, police, and friends….I went back to Lansing. Dan is staying with my parents and visiting with his daughter there. I went back to work…and it felt great! I visited the chiropractor, had a full body massage, and attended parent teacher conferences for my son. I finished out my day with dinner with my so faithful and beautiful friend Yalonda! You know, you store up these emotions and fears and anxiety….and somehow…it comes bursting out just when you feel the safest…with a trusted friend. And I’m sure people at Los Tres Amigos were wondering what is wrong with that woman??!! LOL
Tonight…or morning…it’s 4:30 am…can’t sleep… I am thankful…so thankful for friends, family, hope, love, peace, a job, and dreams! Good night or good morning soon!
Father and Son Reunite
I’ve been up all night, stunned by the reunion of Josh and his dad. To see the look on Dan’s face as he saw his son, only 12 years old and almost as tall as him! They reached to shake hands and then Dan hugged Josh. To see the bittersweet reunion on Josh’s face…the pain written in the loss of time and the joy of his return.
I could see a sense of pride that his dad is HIS dad!
My parents were there to welcome Dan and were just as happy to see him. They are opening up their home for Dan to stay as he gets help. The girls returned exhausted and emotionally drained. I left with Rachael to get Chinese food for dinner, since Dan is Vegetarian now. We had a long talk and I told her to rest up since tomorrow will bring new challenges. She said that it was good that Christi was along on the trip since she had kept the conversations light and fun! She has a way of being able to make us all laugh! In the midst of the pain, humor helps to let the tension and anxiety blow for a bit.
Josh went back to Pappy’s house with his dad. He wanted to spend a little time with him before Dan goes to the hospital. We will be taking him there today. The concerns of his health are great. He is extremely exhausted and more quiet than I ever seen. Who knows what he has experienced these last two years. He said he had been in the hospital in CA for surgery on his leg …for six weeks! I could feel the frustration boiling in me…how could a hospital not call his family? How could nurses and doctors just walk and not notice that he was alone? How could they not recognize his state of mind and get him help? It just seems that our system is driven by lawsuits and the need to protect oneself. Where does basic tough human love come in….
But, thankfully there are people that care…like you….and me…AND… our friends in Nashville.. and Las Vegas. Thank you to YOU for alerting our family! I can not begin to tell you the relief and joy it brings to just see my kids with their dad again. I know it is a tough road right now and there will be some difficult decisions to take the best steps…
You know, I have and still struggle to understand the character of God…his realness…life…tragedy…my kids and this burden…and why one would have to suffer in this state of mind…I’m not so proud that I can’t admit this!!…and yes, I am not all that smart or religious or “a man”…
but one thing I do know is a HEART OF LOVE…OF GRACE…OF ACCEPTANCE…
and I know when I see it…and only THAT could come from GOD.
Tearful Reunion
After not seeing their dad for close to two years…wondering and praying for his safety…the girls reunited in an emotional yet joyous embrace. They had driven to TN to see their dad who had been homeless, not knowing how he would react upon seeing them. Since he struggles with the effects of the brain injury, we didn’t know if his paranoia would escalate. I had stayed home with my son and was waiting to hear the news…last night, I heard the story from a friend who was with them when they saw each other for the first time…
Our friends had orchestrated a reunion in a conference room at the church district office. The girls were anxious as they waited. Dan had been with his good friend who is a professor and whom he played football with in college. In fact, he had just attended his class at the university and shared his story of being homeless. When he came into the office, our family friend gently took his hand and told him that she had someone there to see him. He responded with a suspicious yet comical look. Dan has always used humor to lighten the seriousness of his life which actually is a good coping tool.
They both went into the room and when the girls saw their dad, they just responded with tears and embraced him. I can imagine what it looked like…the tears of pain to see pain, the tears of a reunion, the tears of joy of knowing he’s alive, the tears of pain only they have known…and the three of them huddled together for awhile as they realized this moment was real!
They stayed in the room talking, laughing, and sharing stories for the next four hours! Not wanting to leave, they ordered in lunch instead of going out. It was a time for them all to… just be …daughters, dad, and meeting his new soon to be son-in-law. A time of setting the frustrations and fears aside…along with …the struggle of the brain injury. After, they went to a movie and out for dinner. Dan said he wasn’t hungry but continued to eat everything! He stated several times that he is a vegetarian now, while forgetting that he had just told them that.
I got calls here and there from my daughter about what has been happening. She can only talk to me in private. They are still very worried about his state of mind. They asked him to come home…come home and see his son…who is now taller than them! Much taller! She told me he looked surprised when they asked him that. He had felt he wasn’t a good father.
It’s still so difficult…we continue to love him in-spite of the painful effects of the head injury… yet his reality of what he sees is so skewed. We know he has the heart of a father and my kids love their dad.
At this time, they are driving home! He has a bad cough and who knows what he has been exposed to on the streets. His leg, which was re-broken in CA, is now in a brace. It doesn’t look good and needs to be seen by an orthopedic doctor. He continues to show signs of the brain injury including some paranoia and disorganized thought. We are not sure of our plans now. Which intervention will work? Where do we go to get it? How will we finance it? Will the system work for us?So many emotionally and mentally exhausting decisions.
We take…one…day…at…a…time.
Daughters leave to see their homeless dad…
Our house was buzzing this morning at 6:00 am. The girls were packing to go see their dad who has been missing for over a year and a half now! Car keys were being exchanged as the need for safety on the trip is a must…and Christi even heard the doves hooing and the birds chirping…which is unusual for MI at this time of the year! I think we all were feeling the hope in our hearts might soon be realized. After taking out multiple missing person reports over the last two years, we learned that Dan was in California. However, we didn’t know where he was staying and couldn’t afford to make the trip. Two days ago, the grapevine 😉 of the church we grew up in told us he was in Nashville, TN. At that point, my daughters and soon to be son-in-law began to think of what they could do to get to where Dan is.
Homelessness occurs for many reasons. In this case, a head injury can create confusion, lack of good judgement, impulsive acts, memory loss, and even delusions. From what we know, Dan has been walking by foot around CA for the last year and staying on park benches, under bridges, and shelters. He has re-broken his leg, which had been powdered in the accident. Appartently, the new surgery didn’t fix the leg and it is now swolen, blue, and needs immediate attention. He walked from CA to TN. (We’re not sure all the details on how he did this.) He also has been seen sleeping under the main bridge in Nashville. A mutual friend is trying to get him into a hospital or shelter. Yesterday, he showered and had his clothes washed. His hair is down to his shoulders…and he is wearing layers of clothing. All of his belongings are in a backpack. However, he seems to be in good spirits and unaware of the seriousness of his situation.
At this point, we do not have any legal documents to help us get him the help he needs. It is in process. The kids decided to drive to him so they could see him! They both are getting married this year and they want to see him healthy and able to walk them down the aisle. What girl wouldn’t? You know the song “butterfly kisses”…he always was a good father…
Even now, as I write this, I am keeping the traumatic tears from falling.
It isn’t a news story.
It is our life. And…
It is real.
My heart was moved last night, as I watched my oldest daughter prepare a notebook of important documents and past history pertinent to this situation. I did everything I could to not interfere…knowing that it is time for me to let go and pass that torch onto them. To see them with the passion to save their dad just plain inspired me. They aren’t walking away. They aren’t denying their pain…and they are not loosing HOPE! And I watched as they discussed various plans and what they could do…even Caleb, my daughter’s fiancee, brought an idea into action. He said, we don’t know if Dan will listen to us..we must be prepared for him to walk away. So, he made a survival kit for the street life….a cell phone, lighter, string to bundle, rain poncho, blanket, and other items.
And once again…I cried…not because of the pain…
…but, because of the love I was witnessing before my very eyes!
I kringe at the thought of sharing our familie’s personal situation. But, it has many purposes. Just to get it out is healing for me. To share it with others who are experiencing the same is comforting and an encouragement to them. Hopefully, we are all inspired! And….as I’ve written before, our life is a ripple touching everyone around us. Our families and friends deserve to hear how our situation is developing because they have an investment in us and in Dan. They have been praying, writing, and thinking of us. This support is proof that we all need each other and value it!! It means everything to us.
If you are a friend, family member, or new blog friend…please continue to pray and keep us in your thoughts as well as those who are stuggling. Please feel free to comment on this blog. You won’t be asked to buy anything or emailed junk…it’s just a safe place for sharing.
Devastation and Faith
Devastation and Faith
The images…dark, ravaged, undetectable, painful…pluck our spirits deep within. We cannot- not look or not feel the pain depicted in these shots. It stirs in us those questions we try so hard to deny – reasons why… why do some face devastation of this kind? Why do little ones leave this earth so young? Why do some suffer in their last days and some go out as they reach their mountain top? Who decides our last days?
If we are to believe in a God who loves, adores us, welcomes us home after we have rejected all virtues of who “God” is… then how on this earth amidst the devastation can we build faith?
It’s like trying to ride in a car which has passed all safety tests, airbags and all…yet, could have a floor mat that causes the car to speed dangerously out of control… and in turn uncover devastation.
How do we trust our faith with an unknown and reasons why…and tragedy like that? How do I settle my raging spirit that says – you gave me this gift – now why are you taking it away? How do I integrate this?
When I think of Job who suffered incredible losses…who questioned and raged and cried and bottomed out…I am reminded that devastation is painful. And I too react to suffering…trying to keep my faith intact. People tried to put God in a box and find reasons why…friends judged his actions and doubted his faith. Yet, God showed up with words that hushed those who dared to define and author the story line that only God could write.
Once again…labeling, boxes, right vs. wrong, left vs. right, cause and effect…all in an effort to make us feel more in control with life…and…in turn…feel safe.
Yet, maybe, our foundation of faith has been set on a fault line…maybe…all along it should just be set on a power that is greater than us…a theory that has yet to be proven…an equation that cannot be solved by the human mind…a love that does not judge…
a hope that can’t be seen…
But… only… imagined.
Maybe…it’s just perspective…what we see is not what God sees….could it be that?
Like when we soar above the clouds on a weary dark day….to be thrust into what was there all along…
SUNSHINE…bright and warm…
Or to see that which you’ve only read and dreamed about…is alive and real…
Or the feeling you get when you see magnificent beauty with your very own eyes…
Or the awestruck fear and amazement of wild life standing before you..
Sometimes, what we imagine is more real and beautiful when we see it…
and maybe… my peace with a God …
who I can’t understand with my teeny mind…can only bring peace when I rest in my hopeful imagination.
Take My Hand
Our life is a ripple…when we make a choice…we may think it only affects me…but the laws of physics tell us the truth…it touches all those in our path…
The disappearance of my children’s father has made it’s waves in our lives…some say… let him go in his delusions, let destiny happen, maybe someone else will intervene…but an inspirational movie I watched recently had a line in it that said it all..
“Do we just accept our fate and do what we’re told by all the well meaning Dr.’s and wait for the worst to happen? Or do we fight it?”
Well, we are going to fight for Dan and bring him to a place of safety in his mind. This past Thursday, we heard from the Riverside Police that he was spotted in California. Apparently, he was walking on the street alone. We don’t know any specifics. We called all the homeless shelters in the area. No one would give us information due to privacy. We have been in contact with a lawyer regarding the specifics of guardianship. It is a difficult and costly process, yet one we must pursue after 20 years of dealing with the turmoil of Brain Injury. Plane trips, finances, and lots of decisions are a few of the challenges we face now.
I wrote this poem in a moment of fear and frustration… seeing my own pain…and yet as I wrote… I saw the pain of others and of Dan… once again the ripple…
Take My Hand
I didn’t know what to say…
so I said nothing.
I left you hanging in the dust
Behind to walk your path alone.
When I hear your story, I feel your pain.
Those emotions just aren’t comfortable.
Questions, fear, remorse, and hopelessness are all that I can see.
What do I say-what can I do to ease your world of suffering?
For my life, has been predictable, blessed, and successful.
I wouldn’t want to get too close I might catch your infection.
I am no theologian, no teacher, no counselor, no gifts of mercy, no expert on this matter.
So…I say nothing.
I excuse myself and hope that I’m not noticed in my silence.
I go on my way wishing to stay far away from life’s path of pain.
And…I say nothing.
The guilt I feel haunts me every time I see your face, or hear your name, or read your story.
I cannot fix it and that’s not like me. I need control and a 3 point plan to guide me on my journey.
I like the land of fairy tales …
Of sounds of fun and laughter…Where everything is light and fluffy
And in the end…they all live happily ever after.
So…I say nothing.
But this, this – this rocks my world of everything I believe in, everything I hope for, and everything I stand for.
So…I say nothing.
Until
Life hands ME reality…
and I face a challenge on that path…a loss, a death, a disappointment, or an end.
And all those feelings come crashing in.
The tables changed, my hands been dealt, and now I reach out for YOUR help.
I tell you all my fears; my disillusionment…
Hoping… that you will say something.
You come to me with a hand of support,
A listening ear,
Eyes of mercy,
A heart of empathy…
And you say something…
You tell me there are no words to take away the pain, no quick fixes, no formulas, no strategies to give.
But words of wisdom…during this time…
are not words of any kind.
They come in simple yet thoughtful actions …
of acceptance, hope, and love.
For you will not walk this path solo…
I’m not afraid of your pain…
Now take my hand and you will understand
You are not alone in your suffering.
Valentine Blues!
Happy SWEET SINGLE Valentine’s Day! Do you hear a little sarcasm?
The mail has arrived…with bills, promotions, coupons, and more junk. No sexy Valentines or sweetheart roses or real kisses. I was really hoping for a date for Valentine’s weekend. I’ve been working on widening my horizons …opening my hearts door…embracing the future…workin the online dating sites…Why DO we have a holiday that reminds us of love…that we’re single? divorced? unattached? Do I sound a bit cynical?
Well, I’m giving myself just a few lines of permission to state my case of the Valentine Blues. So, here it goes.
Question: Why don’t you have a Valentine…why don’t I have a Valentine?
Being an eligible and fairly decent single woman…I believe I would be a nice companion for someone…let alone a nice date. But, finding that connection…that is another story. Over the past few years, well a little more than few, I have read many books…and…books…and
more books…all teaching me strategies, behavior patterns, relationship tips, communication skills, goals, and 29 different dimensions that create a healthy relationship. Wow. That’s shooting for the stars. The good news is that I’ve learned about the “warning signs” of character flaws to stay away from. Liars, cheaters, dysfunctional, broken…I feel like I have an ongoing train delay…waiting for all the red flags to stop.
It’s not that I think I’m perfect…I know that I am in process…but…sometimes…I feel like taking care of my own challenges are enough for me… that I know I don’t want to take on anyone else’s baggage….and I certainly do not want to get hurt again or abandoned. That gives me the blues.
The bad news is that too much reading “theories” can put me into the “no play” zone. I get too fearful to even have coffee with a guy…he may want my number…I may have to say NO Thanks…I may be interested…but not sure he is. We may have a few good dates only to end up knowing it’s not right…parting ways again…more loss…more recovery. (Yes, you can tell I’ve been down that path)! I can hear Dr.Phil saying…”Love Smart” …know who you are… what you want.
I really do enjoy reading his stuff. Actually, it’s like having your own therapist right at your finger tips. No need for an appointment. Just open up and read the selection you need for the moment. Currently working on…oh, yes… what kind of a man do I want anyway? And so, I begin to narrow down…all the qualities I see that I admire.
I begin with the best source of all…my romantic movies…smile…I really enjoyed doing this…stacking up all the movies I own that have to do with “romance”…watching them again…with a new strategical focus and purpose…and of course feelings those love butterflies…
All stacked up on Dr.Phil’s book, reminding me to love smart! My favorite of all… Pride & Prejudice. My mom hooked me on that one. Don’t we all dream of this kind of love…the kind that rescues you, sweeps you off your feet, sparks flying, chemistry bubbling, poetry making…the glass slipper kind? I love Cinderella. I love the fantasies. I love the magic!
I know that some people are critics of romance movies…that real life isn’t made like them. I agree to an extent.
There is real life, daily habits, unloving moments, stress…but, I still see that magical love…in so many relationships. I see it in new ones…just blooming…like in my nephews and in my daughter’s…
Seeing their love…the newness…the freshness…the hope…well…it makes me smile and it makes my blues subside. It doesn’t make me think my singleness…or feel so lonely…I guess I kinda live vicariously through their love…snapping pictures, playing with the colors, the dynamics, the message each shot speaks…
it’s better than going to a web site to surf for the next best date!! …
which is really like shopping for just the right shoe to fit the occasion. (All women and some very cool men will understand that) For all of you who haven’t had the joy of internet dating…after marketing yourself to be who you are or who you wish to be… you get to look for someone you dream about…you get to surf the millions of variety of singles…in fact there are over a thousand local men right here in my town on some sites…you can dial up just what you’d like down to the color of his hair or no hair for that matter…here is a sample of just a few of the options available to pick from…and this is a conservative site…without the wild intimate choices…
Can you imagine the agony one goes through in filling these out? It took me 4 hours just to fill out the eh survey.. and on these sites…I can put in what I want or think I want…and tah-dah…I have a choice of a man.
And this is what causes the Valentine blues.
I don’t get it and I don’t want to. I don’t want to describe or wish for a list. I don’t want to define a person into a category because people have more dimensions…like a diamond can be a diamond… but with different cuts, and points, and clarity…And for every list of pros …there is a list of cons. And for every success, there is a failure.
Now, I’m not bashing online dating…for I know that I’m trying it. Teaching in a school and coming home every night after working out doesn’t give me a huge variable of meeting too many men….but, I just think I get a slant on love that is a bit skewed … it gives me the Valentine blues.
So, this Valentine weekend…I spent it like I know how…filling up my love tank by loving others…started out by hosting a school dance…being crazy with my DJ…doing the cha-cha slide…and dancing with my son..
It wasn’t the blissful look in your eyes…kind of night…but it was filled with love…and it took my blues away.
The next night…I did my own therapy…thrift shopping!! Looking, finding the treasure, the deal, the book…
But, that got a bit depressing after an hour…the smell of the store and the country music playing…
Today…I woke up with the blues. I was so frustrated about the little dust bunnies in our house…that I left to get a caramel marvel and pick up 120 flowers for our school. When I arrived at the warehouse store, I was shocked to see a woman playing a baby grand piano… on a stage… in the middle of the store!! There were flowers all around, people everywhere, in line, getting gifts, buzzing about, and here she was playing…
“I see skies of blue, red roses too.I see them bloom in me and you…and I think to myself … what a wonderful world…” And slowly, my blues went away as I thought about all the kids who love so easily…so unconditionally… who will spread their love with their smiles a Valentine’s Day….
and when I got home…my dad and mom who drove over an hour to get here… had a Valentine for every daughter and…for me…
my favorite chocolates… in a box… full of meaning…
And I thought…of the love they share with each other…the love they give…the love I enjoy watching…
the real daily sacrifices…the acceptance…the deep grounded kind of love…
And I sang to myself…what a wonderful world…!
where are my Valentine Blues now?
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