Daring To Embrace the New “Butterflyesprit”
I am listening.
I can hear the silent wings.
I can feel the warmth.
I can almost touch the beauty.
It’s my butterfly.
Coming home to find my heart’s dream.
He landed right next to me! I was swift. This was my sign.
It was time. Time to write again. To let go of the fear. To accept change.
It’s been a long time since I’ve written on my blog. I’ve been racing thru life. Good times. Challenging times. New times. Confusing times. My life has been a bit unfocused.
A good kind of unfocused. One that I’ve needed.
If you look closely, you can see a deer leaping thru the forest. Pausing, I slow down to share with you.
I sat “up north” in Michigan and waited to hear.
Anything.
Is God out there? What is my purpose? Where is the inspiration? Why can’t I write? Why can’t I express?
These doubts flooded my mind. My heart.
And yet, my camera captured the beauty. I sat and embraced.
Still. Dark. Silence.
I held my camera tight. Snapping at every little flower. Every plant. Waiting. Waiting.
Every candle. Listening. Watching. Waiting.
Life is like that.
We wait. We wait for the beauty to behold again. We wait for the moments to strike us. Inspiration.
Sometimes, it’s quiet for a long time.
Too long.
We become withdrawn.
Sad. Lonely. We stay to ourselves.
We allow the dew of fear to rest upon us until we cannot hope anymore.
And we wait.
Wait for the change to happen.
For the butterfly to find it’s wings.
To fly again.
There is a saying…
“You can suffer the pain of change or suffer remaining the way you are.”
Change can be fearful.
Suffering and chaos can become a way of life. An identity one struggles to shake.
Can we dare to open our hearts to hope? Courage for change?
And we wait.
We wait for the life boat.
It’s there.
Holding out for us.
Trolling. Calling for us to cross over.
It’s hazy. It’s cloudy. But, the boat we can see. Life is bright amongst the grays.
We get in.
Hope. Love. New life.
It showers down upon us.
Filling us with fresh life giving water.
Smoothing our rough edges.
We begin to wonder what hill will we climb now?
Will we have to carry the load? Will we have support? Are we alone?
Or
Are we not alone?
Has change come?
Are there others who have come along to support?
To care for and be cared for. To love and be loved.
And we marvel at new life. Holding on to Hope. Strong in our Faith.
We may not know where the road leads.
We may not see what’s beyond the curve.
But…
We know that we must choose to get in…
if we are going to ride.
Choose to hug the corners in life.
Inspired by Love.
Tough Relationship Decisions
I want to write today to all the readers who have written to me in response to my blog. Those who relate to the struggles of loss, tragedy, brain injury, and divorce. My heart is torn for you. For me. For the challenges that come with life. For the confusion and disappointment.
I can hear the struggle.
I can sense the ambiguity in decisions that will affect you, your children, your relationships.
And I wait to write. I waited for over six months to respond.
Waiting for an answer. What do I say? How do I respond? Am I encouraging divorce? I can hear the critics now. Slamming me for such a “hypocritical” statement.
Love? Divorce? Vows?
Or.
Am I a realist with idealism? Am I Human? What can I see in reflections? Beyond the unexplainable.
Am I giving those who are facing tremendous guilt, relief? Acceptance? Unconditional love? And so tonight, I write. My thoughts and my wishes for you and for me and for the critic in me.
Yes, divorce was the answer for myself and my family. Looking back, I now believe it was a healthy choice. A loving choice. I did not run away from responsibility, I ran to it. I created the boundaries that provided space.
Space for healing.
A chance to invest emotionally into my children. A safe home for us. Time to keep myself physically fit in order to meet the demands as the leader of my home. Energy to keep the passion for my career and the much needed pay check.
Stability and sunsets.
I made a choice to stop trying to control Traumatic Brain Injury and my marriage. I have learned that I am responsible for me. I am responsible for those who are in my care, my children. That others, adults, have a right to themselves, their rehabilitation, and their life. My action was one of love.
One must see past the “black and white” answers in order to understand. The light breaking in.
Love CAN come in different shapes. Different spaces. And in time. Even after divorce.
We have been able to rebuild what that looks like. Our family continues to support their dad. To love him with attention, phone calls, new haircuts, clothes, and football games.
I continue to advocate for him. He has his own guardian with the state. He is in a home that provides food, shelter, medication, and safety. I know it isn’t what we ideally wanted for him. Life in it’s wholeness. Health. Fullness. But, we accept that.
Love looks different. It’s a shade of gray. Can you see it? Can you find it?
I love the saying, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.” That was my hope and still is. It is my hope for you.
To find hope in the midst of tough questions and challenges. To see growth happen before your very eyes.
And to hold on to the belief that… beyond these stone cold stairs we climb… lies the healing and love we so long for.
I apologize for not writing sooner. I will make it my goal to write at least every week.
And.
I can’t wait to share my stories from my summer.
One word. Renewal.
Spring Forward!
I awoke this morning to the sounds of cooing doves.
It’s “Spring Forward” today!
And I wonder. Am I ready for spring? Really?
Living in Michigan, the season of winter is usually a long one.
Long enough to bunker down, hide out in your cave, and watch movies by the fireplace.
It’s a season of contrasts.
Of frozen cheeks.
And toasty toes.
Falling snowflakes and hot steam baths.
Breathing crisp air and sipping hot chocolate.
Bundled up in feather down coats and flannel sweats.
Snowstorms, blizzards, and a teacher’s favorite. Snow days!
Last year was a great winter. Long, snowy, and plenty of sleep. I was ready for spring.
Ready to see new life appear. Yearning for signs of newness.
But, this year. I’m not sure I’m ready to get up.
Stay in my cozy warm bed with a dozen books by my head. Safe and alone in my status quo.
Yet, I find my eyes open and looking to the window. Listening to the sounds of cooing.
Seasons and cycles of life, know their own pace.
While I try to dictate or control when they will begin or end, I am left with disillusionment.
For I cannot control the ocean tides.
The sunset.
Or the sunrise.
or even find the reasons why.
But, I do know how to live life. To embrace it within the season.
To ride the wave all the way to the shore. To find peace through acceptance.
Why would I think I could snap my fingers, turn the lights on or off, as to when that change should appear?
I guess it’s my humanness. Knocking my head against the wall until I realize the wall is not moving.
Yet, the birds are singing.
Calling my name.
It’s time. Wake up. It’s time for change.
Time for newness. Time for beauty. Time for life to bloom again.
Am I ready for SPRING?
Or is
SPRING ready for me?
Winter Walk With My Camera
It never ceases to amaze me.
What I will find.
When I strap my camera on.
And walk about.
No need to travel far.
No need to gather, strive, or fret.
Just a simple lens.
And a hope.
To capture life.
Among this mess.
Sometimes I cannot see.
What is there.
Until.
I look again upon the screen.
And amazed I am again.
Of what I failed to see.
Hidden.
But, was there.
Waiting.
To.
Inspire me.
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